Questions courtesy of 金曜五.
1. Whatcha been up to?
It is my friend Spewgie's, her daughter Spewgie Jr's, my nieces and my birthmonth! Yay!
Birthmonth. As children, Spewgie and I were so spoiled rotten a day or a week was not enough.
For our birthdays, we've been thinking and thinking of something we could do together.
Spewgie Jr wanted to go to Milky Way Drive-In Theater to see Corpse Bride but that place is $35, submit to a vehicle search to comply with their no carry-ins policy so you are forced to buy the junky overpriced concessions which are delivered to your car so there goes another tip and park where they tell you. Too much monkey business.
Let's see. Corpse Bride is seventy-seven minutes long. I would need two double cheeseburgers ($14), four french fries ($12), six cans of lemonade ($18), popcorn ($3) comes in three ounce size and Spewgie and I usually get the ultra mega popcorn which is one hundred and seventy ounces with free refills so let's round that off to fifty-six popcorns ($168).
Hmm. I am getting $247 not including tax, tip or something for Spewgie and Spewgie Jr. That seems a little steep.
Actually the main objection was social distancing in the minivan.
Spewgie called to tell me she'd be pulling up in front of my house for Spewgie Jr to Ding Dong Ditch me. From a military standpoint, Spewgie Jr has lost the element of surprise. She knocked on the door. "Happy Birthday, Auntie Bunny! I brought you ice cream! Happy Birthday!" and ran back to the car.
A gallon of Superman ice cream. Blue Moon, lemon and red soda water ice creams.
Some people say Blue Moon tastes like Froot Loops, others say raspberry and lemon or pistachio and orange blossom. To me, it is bubblegum juice and blue cotton candy.
And by the time they got home, Ono Kine Grindz had already delivered mahimahi in lime chive butter, potato salad, seaweed salad and cocoa puffs (choco cream puffs) to their house.
Two can play at this game, Spew-chan!
2. What's the latest from the front?
National Guard bivouac to protect me from the protesters. Businesses boarded up their storefronts. Military helicopters every night.
3. What's up?
Went to Taco Bell and got the new Dragonfruit Freeze.
To me, dragonfruit (pitaya, the fruit of a cactus which Spewgie and I found at a fruit and vegetable streetcart vendor in China Town in Manhattan in 1997) is very mild. The exterior is hot pink with white, pink or red flesh. Texture is like a kiwi; taste reminiscent of "tropical". Kiwi, pear, watermelon.
Taco Bell's dragonfruit is an artificial syrup swirled in a slushie.
Do you remember Hello Kitty Momoberry PopTarts? Hello Kitty momoberry ramune? Hello Kitty momoberry cereal that turned your milk pink? (The milk in the cereal bowl, perv.) Or Hello Kitty Momoberry perfume?
FUN FACT: Hello Kitty is the best-selling line of celebrity fragrances of all time.
Taco Bell Dragonfruit Freeze tastes just like Hello Kitty momoberry. Except super ultra intense syrupy concentrated.
Because Wauwatosa alderperson Heather Kuhl passed a resolution against plastic straws, I opened the cupholder (located on the dashboard, precariously above my lap) and cursed her, "Damn you Heather and your plastic straw ban!" and magically the drive through window opened and the girl handed me a straw.
Deelish. When the girl gave me my bean burritos, I asked if I could purchase the dragonfruit syrup separately. "No."
So. I will wait until Emmy Made In Japan does her copycat recipe.
In conclusion, Dragonfruit is a good name but Momoberry would be better.
4. What's new?
The Green Bay Packers vs Atlanta Falcons.
Due to coronavirus, empty stadium. As of game time, the Pack was giving 6.5 points. The bookie wants a tie. That way he gets to collect all the money and the vigorish (the bookie's extra ten percent). Maybe someone can explain that to the pretty girl. Good thing I don't work for the Mafia.
Or do I? My Facebook page lists my occupation as hitwoman for La Famiglia Vongola. Capisce?
That is very funny. It's not an occupation. It's more of a hobby.
Packers coasted to an easy victory. Final score: Packers, 30; Falcons, 16.
FUN FACT: The Packers have scored 152 points in the first four games of 2020, the most in any season in the team's one hundred and one years.
5. What's on the agenda?
All the months of quarantining and now martial law and curfew.
Questions courtesy of Scrivener. Thank you!
Friday 5 for October 9: Role play.
1. How do you think you’d do in learning to fly a plane?
Flying a plane is a cinch. Spewgie and I play Rock Paper Scissors to see who gets to have the remote control to fly the plane...
...and who gets to have the shotgun to shoot it down.
2. How do you think you’d do hosting a nationally televised late-night talk show?
Former co-hostess of Chalk Talk Starring Veronica And Jean (our "American" names) And Candy Review. A football talk show. We'd diagram significant plays from the previous Sunday. When we ran out of material, we'd discuss candy. Sometimes Prissy, Effie and Betsy would join us if the weather was inclement. Beats waiting on a transfer at the bus stop in the snow.
Highest ratings on cable access, Even better than the Common Council meetings.
Came across a shoebox of old fan mail. So sorry. I think a girl should finish junior high before settling down.
3. How do you think you’d do in auto body repair school?
My father and uncles owned a series of temperamental British roadsters including a baby blue Sunbeam Tiger, a Triumph TR-8 and an Austin.
And somewhere in there was a German Amphicar, an amphibious roadster. With the boat registration stickers on the front fender and the propellers in the back.
I bet their his 'n' hers shirts have "captain" and "first mate" embroidered over the pocket.
Faster than any car in the water and faster than any boat on the road. Feel free to quote me on that
Spewgie and I were actually allowed to steer the car on Lake Winnebago. We were about three years of age wearing big orange life preservers sitting in my grandfather's lap. We will never forget the astonished look on people's faces when we drove up the boat ramp.
Our mothers freaked when they found out.
Spewgie and I helped fix the cars on Saturday afternoons with the Badger football game on the radio. Grandmother would be furious with grandfather. "Look at these girls! Greasemonkeys!"
Like greasemonkey is a bad thing.
Former owner of two Pontiac Firebird convertibles. 1967 with the shifter on the steering column and a red plaid bench seat and a '68 400.
Spewgie, my father and I spent many happy hours working in the garage together.
Then there was the time Betsy was driving her mother's car to the main road at night in a forest during a snowstorm and kind of bounced off a tree, She called me and I told her to come over. It didn't look too bad and I knew I didn't want to wake up my parents drilling holes and playing with Bondo at midnight. I "washed" the fender with snow and suctioned the toilet plunger over the dent. Thunk!
Voilà!
So, yeah, I think I'd make a really good auto body repair teacher.
4. How do you think you’d do as the only occupant of the International Space Station for a year?
Sooner or later I'd have to go to the bathroom. In space, everyone can see you poop. I can hold it for a couple of days but not a whole year. Not gonna happen.
5. How do you think you’d do as a professional dog groomer?
I remember going downtown with Spewgie and somehow we ended up at the dog show. Imagine being on a different planet with a bunch of strange, exotic and goofy looking lifeforms walking around on four legs. Well that is a dog show.
I mean like you watch the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show Live From Madison Square Garden Brought To You By Ruffies — Dogs Ask For It By Name™ — on TV but that doesn't really prepare you for seeing these things in real life. Some of these dogs are furry pencils with legs. Or floor mops. Sometimes it's hard to tell which end of the dog is which.
It's not like I am a stranger to dogs. I regularly went running with Rex (I call him Wrecks), an Irish Wolfhound. Who outweighs me by seventy pounds and is about four feet tall so sometimes I have to lay down the law as to who is walking whom. Then there was the time I tied Wrecks to a park bench and stepped inside the olive oil shop for one moment and the salesperson goes, "Is that your dog stealing the bench?" and there's Wrecks halfway down the block dragging the bench across the street causing a traffic jam.
My favorite dog is the Bedlington Terrier.
Looks just like a cute little lamb, doesn't it? Especially if you let the ears grow. Unfortunately that is where the similarity ends. To adopt a Bedlington, you must have a substantial backyard. With a fence. And not just any fence. A chainlink fence that goes two feet underground so the precious darling doesn't tunnel out like in The Great Escape or Stalag 17. William Holden had to cut through the prison camp fence in Stalag 17, though.
William Holden: When was Pearl Harbor, Price, or don't you know that?
Peter Graves: December 7th, '41.
William Holden: What time?
Peter Graves: Six o'clock. I was having dinner.
William Holden: Six o'clock in Berlin. They were having lunch in Cleveland. Am I boring you boys? He's a Nazi, Price is. For all I know his name is Preissinger or Preishoffer. Oh, sure, he lived in Cleveland. But when the war broke out, he came back to the Fatherland like a good little Bundist. He spoke our lingo, so they sent him to spy school and fixed him up with phony dog tags.
Then all the prisoners in the barracks tied tin cans to Peter Graves and threw him out the door where the Nazi guards gunned him down.
Owning a Bedlington Terrier means a complete lead paint removal in the house as ingesting lead could cause fatal results. No. The dog chewing on the woodwork would cause instantaneous fatal results.
In my mind, I always think of my Bo Peep gown my mother sewed from an old ribbonny Marie Antoinette bridesmaid dress, the shepherdess's crook with the great big bow my father made from electrical conduit and a Bedlington Terrier. But it is not to be. I have a terrier personality. We'd be a bad match.
It is easier to adopt a child.
There was a guy at the dog show wearing a reddish suit which matched his Ziggy Stardust hair which matched his Cocker Spaniel. Even as much as I love matching things (hair ribbons, pocket square, newsboy hat, necktie) Spewgie and I had a hard time suppressing our laughter.
The actual grooming part didn't seem too difficult. Pick up the dog, put it on a table with a gallows-type thingy with a noose, put the dog's head in the noose and you're ready to groom.
I've been cutting Spewgie's, Spewgie Jr's and my nieces' hair for the past year so a dog should be a breeze. The trick is to get them to shut up and stop wriggling around. Or there is always the Flowbee For Pets.
Hmmm. Flowbee For Pets seems to have been discontinued. I bet Flowbee For People would work just as well. It's probably the same thing but I suppose some people are leery of cutting their hair with the same appliance used on a dog.
That Superman ice cream looks amazing. I need some of that.
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