勝美2

金曜五 and Friday 5 doubleheader!

Questions courtesy of 金曜五.

1. Whatcha been up to?

Went to a wedding in Sugar Island. Not on Sugar Island. No sugar. No island. In Sugar Island. An unincorporated community within the Township Of Lebanon. The 2000 census lists the population as  1664. That is for the thirty-six square mile township and is the first time exceeding the 1870 census.

An outdoor wedding. No one was wearing a mask or social distancing. Except me.

The reception was held in an old barn.

As representative of my family, for some unknown reason, I was not seated with my aunts and uncles. Playing little reindeer games. That is not the way things work. I do not care if only eight people can sit at a table. Get a bigger table. Instead I was relegated to a more distant table with my cousin Robyn, her latest girlfriend, and a nice couple from Oz (Ozaukee County) and Mr and Mrs No Show. During introductions, I was asked where I live. "Near the protests." Everyone laughed and we had a pleasant discussion. Everyone agreed the mainstream media was largely at fault for the current state of protesting because of withholding information. Or not reporting the facts because they are too lazy and dumb to do real reporting. Anything requiring some thought.

Robyn is a retired inner city junior high school principal. For most of her career she was calling the police several times a day on the little darlings placed in her care. Moral of the story: Don't do drugs. Don't bring drugs to school. Do not bring guns to school.

Junior high is more Introduction To The Juvenile Justice System than school. — Robyn.

My cousin delivered his best man speech to the bridegroom, his older brother. It started off as a tender farewell. A loving thank you for being the big brother and paving the way. But somewhere things got twisted around and it became a diatribe against his brother becoming a skater boi with the fake diamond stud earring and the baseball cap askew or the emo phase with the early Justin Bieber hairdo and skinny jeans. But not just any skinny jeans. Uh uh. We are talking shopping at the department store for girl jeans. Juniors' size 6.

Especially poignant as both of the brothers are police officers and lots and lots of their co-workers were at the reception. Which accounts for so many white and black people being there. The third brother is a state trooper.

So. All the childhood bullying and perquisites of primogeniture were avenged.

Spewgie will be delivering the matron of honor speech at my wedding. I can trust her.

As I made my goodbyes (except to the table of aunts and uncles and I counted the rounds of brandy old fashioned sweets — four — which disgracefully placed them in the three sheets to the wind category), I said to my younger cousin, "Lincoln had the Gettysburg Address. Martin Luther King had a dream. One hundred years from now, your Best Man Speech will be taught in schools."

Or remedial classes in prison.

Because no one was wearing a mask or social distancing, I vamoosed early. Hopped on the wedding shuttle bus and went back to the bustling metropolis. The only fast food was the Hardee's across the street from my motel. They would not let me order two Super Stars® with Cheese, jumbo chili dog, large Crispy Curls® and an orange Hi-C because you have to be in a car to order at the drive-through window. Even though the dining room is closed for coronavirus and I was wearing a mask and I was the only customer. But we do not want to end up "Disgruntled Customer Freaks Out In The Hardee's Drive-Through" on YouTube. Besides, technically wouldn't I have to purchase something to be a customer? Okie dokie as they say. I walked back across the street and hopped in the roadster. Beautiful evening. Put the top down.

The Kiltie Drive-In with the carhops in tartan miniskirts closed for the season a couple of weeks ago because otherwise I would have went there. Somehow, magically, I ended up at Pine Cone Travel Plaza. A truck stop. Do you know how 7-Eleven in Japan is really great? Well welcome to Wisconsin's version of the combini. With the added combinience of gasoline and diesel and a laundrymat!

I bought a creampuff, a chocolate éclair, a blueberry boat (macerated blueberries in a pastry shell with whipped cream), a cherry boat (ditto except cherries). Sugar rush. And a quart of A2 milk, a cherry slushie for on the way back to the motel and a t-shirt.

The red one, natch. Size large to enhance my petite cuteness quotient. My old t is thirteen years old and looking a little faded. A lot faded. But it is the rattiness which helps to ward off the amorous attentions of drunken underclassmen at tailgate parties. "Oh. She must be a senior."

And just for the record, I am neither Winnebago, Chippewa, Potawatomi, Menomonee nor Sauk. So. Don't be doing that "How!" or Pocahontas stuff.

I am a fox, though. Not a Fox.

2. What's the latest from the front?

The findings of the special investigator, former U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Wisconsin Steven Biskupic, should be ready to be presented to the Wauwatosa Police And Fire Commission any day now.

Then all hell will break loose.

3. What's up?

Li Ziqi planted watermelon in a "nursing garden" in February. With a snippet of excellent time lapse photography of the sprouts emerging. And she drove a motorcycle cart! Front half motorcycle, back half farm cart. Planting bare root grape vine stock with a mattock. I own a mattock which came free with the purchase of my house and was one of the few things I managed to rescue from my garage before the bulldozer scooper thingy smashed everything to smithereens and loaded it into a dumpster. A very useful tool. I mean the mattock. Especially in heavy clay soil.

Li Ziqi built an arbor, ate freshly harvested watermelon with her grandmother for breakfast, received a package from her sister (delivered by a thoughtful neighbor), called her sister to thank her for the package (when did she get a cellphone?), made wine, scraped out the watermelon rinds (I thought she would make watermelon rind pickles — it was a component of the dish she was making for supper), gathered peanuts, picked walnuts, said hello to Guo Zai The Lamb who looks more like a ram to me, cooked supper... And that was within the first twelve minutes.

Small wonder the Chinese economy is doing so well. Sometimes I am more tired after watching her videos than before.

I think what really drives me crazy is the close ups of Li Ziqi's and Apenjie on the Dianxe Xiaoge channel's fingertips gracefully reaching into the bowl of spices to delicately sprinkle over the food simmering in the wok. Just dump it in like the rest of us slobs. Although I have to admit Li Ziqi's outfit with the almost palazzo trousers is a more sophisticated version of my hospital scrubs.

Which I have to roll up the cuffs on the pants. I checked out some of the nurses when I went to the hospital. We are roughly the same height. They are not rolling up their pants. I would resew the hems but where do I find hospital blue and clinical green thread? Very vexing.

4. What's new?

The Green Bay Packers vs New Orleans Saints. Yes. The same New Orleans Saints that paid team members a bounty for injuring other players. Among those targeted: Aaron Rodgers.

Due to coronavirus, empty stadium. As of game time, the Pack was getting 3.5 points; the over / under was fifty-three.

Final score: Packers, 37; Saints, 30. If you took the points and bet over, you're a winner! Yay!

Gambling. That is one thing we do not discuss at family get-togethers. If you are ever my guest to a wedding, baptism, funeral or Fourth Of July, ixnay on the amblinggay. Unless it is Spewgie's side of the family. Then you can do whatever you want.

For those of us who do not follow sports, did you notice how whenever someone pivots or gets tackled or scuffs the grass there is a little puff of green smoke? That isn't smoke. It's green sand. Dyed to match the green of the artificial turf. The sand holds the carpeting down. I was thinking of getting a croquet court / putting green for my backyard but a thousand bucks for sand? That's kind of crazy. I'd need two different colors of sand. Dark green for the green and a lighter green for the apron. And that's why you can't vacuum AstroTurf. Well you can but then you'd have to buy more sand.

You won't see that at Lambeau Field. Natural grass. And polypropylene fake grass "stitched" into the natural grass. Japanese stadium turf. Each polypropylene blade of grass extends seven inches into ground and stabilizes the sand base.

On tours of Lambeau, the guides are adamant no one in the group is permitted to step on the field.

Coach Vince Lombardi had wires run underneath the field. Like a giant toaster. The first experiments cooked the grass roots. Then there was The Ice Bowl. 1967. The NFL Championship. Green Bay Packers vs Dallas Cowboys.

The warming system couldn't keep up with supersubzero temperatures which froze the slush into ice.

My idea was to run a series of plastic pipes under the field to a second series of pipes deep below the stadium where the underground temperature is a constant 50°. Fill the pipes with with antifreeze and start the pumps. But does anyone listen to the pretty girl?

Check it out. That is pretty much what is in place now. Instead of passive warming, there are heaters built into the storage tanks.

Another thing about Lambeau is the pitch of the field. Football fields are flat, right? Wrong. Not Lambeau. If you stand on the opposite sideline from me, you will only see me from the knees up. So. If I tell you to run a down and in pass pattern, during the "in" part, you will be running slightly uphill. Or if you are the halfback and I lateral to you for a sweep, you will be running slightly downhill.

That's why it is quarterback, halfback and fullback in the backfield. Yes I suppose it should be one-third back, two-thirds back and fullback but it didn't work out that way. Or slotback and wideback. The tight end lines up about a yard behind scrimmage. He can go in motion before the snap. But that is for the more advanced classes.

A question I am asked frequently: If the receiver or rusher is stopped, why does the defense sometimes "hold him up"? Shouldn't the defense tackle him before the ref whistles the play dead?

The defense is trying to strip the ball. Cause a fumble.

勝美's Play Of The Game: Beginning of fourth quarter. Tied 27 - 27. Ball at midfield. Packers fail to make a fourth down conversion. Saints' ball with 12:23 remaining. Linebacker Za'Darius Smith strips the ball from Brees and recovers the fumble.

Sheer dumb luck. The Packers should have punted.

5. What's on the agenda?

Unbeknownst to me, the electric company switched out my electric meter while I was in the hospital. Which meant they had to turn off my electricity.

Now they are saying they have to come out to relight the pilot light on my furnace.

Had the furnace replaced. Electronic ignition.

Why didn't they have to relight the pilot light all the other times the electricity has gone out?

Questions courtesy of Scrivener. Thank you!

Friday 5 for October 2: Literally and/or figuratively.

1. When did you last gloss something over?

No use in crying.

2. When were you most recently out to lunch?

This football season. I don't know if it is because my mother passed away so I cannot pickup lunch or supper and mix us a couple of martinis to watch away games on television with her or not attending home games.

I don't care. It's like I'm sleepwalking.

Same with the Mitsubishi Lions and the British Columbia Lions. Couldn't tell you how they're doing. In fact, the only thing I do know is that Keishichou Eagles forfeited their entire autumn season. Sponsored by the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department. All the players are police officers. Didn't want to take the chance on contracting coronavirus.

3. What are some hats you wear?

Crowns, actually.

Halloween Queen. Ever since I was elevated from Corn Queen. Which is nowhere as glamorous as it sounds. In charge of roasting approximately one hundred ears of corn at neighborhood picnics.

Do you remember me telling you that some of my neighbors think I am two different people? A single woman with a motorcycle and a roadster and a married woman with a coaster wagon and a minivan to cart around her children?

Well, to add to the confusion, I would sneak away after roasting the corn while everyone was eating, run home, hop in the shower and scrub off the smell of the charcoal fire, reapply perfume, dress in identical khaki shorts but maybe a blue and white university striped heavyweight Oxford cotton button down instead of a blue and white blazer stripe shirt and return to the party.

"Oh, Ronnie! Did you just get here?"

Grrrrrr.

I suppose it's better than, "Veronica! How are your kiddos doing in school?"

They're children, not kiddos, for one thing and wait a minute. I don't have any children. I'm not even married yet.

Same type of person who says Wisco and Sconnie and doggos and Sunday Funday. It's Wisconsin, Wisconsin, dogs, Sunday.

FUN FACT: Wisconsin was one of the first places on Earth to abolish capital punishment.

Which I believe has a direct bearing on people who say Wisco and Sconnie and doggos and Sunday Funday. I feel the death penalty would be a definite deterrent.

Point being a lot of people think there is not one but two minority people in our neighborhood. Me and me.

And just for the record for the fifty millionth time I am not Chinese.

Under my beneficent reign as Halloween Queen, nighttime Trick Or Treating on Halloween was reinstituted. And the Après Trick Or Treating Neighborhood Association Chili Contest, the winner of which is awarded the coveted Golden Ladle (not dishwater safe — all the glitter comes off), Talent Show, S'mores And Spooky Stories Around A Supervised Campfire, and wine and beer and dry gin martinis straight up with two olives for the grownups.

With coronavirus, I might cancel Halloween. Unless everyone can commit to social distancing, wearing a mask and setting out bowls of candy on the porch with the understanding one per customer. Which kind of defeats the purpose of Halloween. But that is probably what I'll do. Spewgie agrees with me. Spewgie Jr is holding out for Elsa. As long as she gets to wear her Frozen gown I don't think she cares.

This is after I postponed Halloween last year after all the snow. The children are more than welcome to Trick Or Treat during the hours the village set. Be my guest. Knock yourself out. But if I were the children I wouldn't be nestled all snug in my bed while visions of Mars bars dance in my head. One reason for switching to nighttime Trick Or Treating other than it being a million times cooler and scarier to be up past your bedtime running around in a spooky or Disney princess costume was to thwart the droves of kids being dropped off in the nice safe neighborhood. Without parental supervision. Stay in your own neighborhood. And if your neighborhood isn't safe, organize a party for the children. I am not your babysitter.

To my sisters, I am 勝美姫. Katsumi Hime. Princess Veronica. Not a term of endearment; a sarcasm enhancer. As in, "勝美姫!!! Are you waiting on an engraved invitation?" Maybe if you hadn't taken thirty minutes in the bathroom maybe we wouldn't be running late.

NB the use of the royal "we".

4. When were you ever head over heels?

Fell down the stairs.

There was a little kitty up for adoption but the listing was incorrect. The cat shelter had already found her a new forever home. A new forever home. Probably somewhere in Sconnie with kiddos on a Sunday Funday. Otherwise I'd have been head over heels in love with Jasmine. Or Poppy. Haven't made up my mind. Something pretty to stay within the Spice Girls naming scheme. Although my Spice Girls are older than that Brit pop girl group.

Didn't the Supreme Court hand down a decision on copycats? Pretty sure it was right before their historic ruling on "Finder's Keepers, Losers Weepers".

And when I say I'm a member of the bar, I mean I was an early morning regular at Schmitty's Pub & Grub in high school. Schmitty's. Come for the schafkopf, stay for the hasenpfeffer. Gemütlichkeit!

5. When did you recently give it the old college try?

There is an orchard somewhat nearby. Apples you have never heard of. Not since the nineteenth century anyways. Over one hundred varieties. I wanted to make the most delicious pies in the world.

On checking their website, Weston's Antique Apples, some varieties are still ripening.

There is hope yet.