Friday5: Handle With Care. Questions courtesy of Scrivener. Thank you!


1. What is your most recent experience with caring for plants?

Cut down the junky trees along the lot line.

2. When was the last time you administered first aid?

Christmas Eve. My niece's teddy bear injured his paw. She wanted me to bandage him with a Hello Kitty Band-Aid from my purse and kiss away his tears but poor Mr Bear did not have UrsineCare so I had to refuse him treatment. What else could I do? So sorry. My hands are tied with government red tape.

He died a terrible painful death. Septic something or other. I'd like to say he froze to death in a snowbank but we had unseasonably mild weather during the holidays.

I know what you're thinking. Kind of harsh. Why didn't I just stick a Band-Aid on her bear?

Claire is two years old. It is high time she rid herself of the talking animals and caring people nonsense and learned the cold, cruel realities of life.

3. When did you last receive words of encouragement?

Helping an elderly woman get her piano or elephant out of the overhead bin on the airplane and the flight attendant said, "You can do it!"

4. When did you last hold a baby animal?

Life. So very, very precious. Except for the pooping and peeing part. Ick.

I don't know if I have ever held a baby animal. Kittens and puppies, sure, but they were able to walk around so I wouldn't classify them as babies. You can't hold a calf. Or a foal. Maybe give it a hug and a scritch scritch scritch behind the ears. The cutest baby animal I've ever seen was a hippopotamus. Or maybe it was a rhinoceros. Laying next to its mother. Like a little piece of luggage.

Well thanks a whole bunch cause now Mommy Hippo or Rhino will have to join a yoga class and try to regain her girlish figure. 

Baby giraffes and elephants are pretty kawaii, too. Zebra, deer, gorillas... I have witnessed The Miracle Of Birth and all I can say is that pigs are disgusting. Plop! Plop plop plop! I suppose they're not too different from us. Which is why I plan on adopting my daughter.

I hope I don't get stuck with a white girl. Sooner or later there will be that inevitable day, "Mother, why are your eyes so much prettier than mine?" or "I wish my hair was like yours" and I will have to tell her the truth.

"You are gaijin."

And there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth. Boo hoo. The stork does not accept returns, missy.

Maybe a duckling or a chick which would have been at the State Fair a couple of years ago.

5. What was your last alcoholic drink?

Spewgie ordered  me a couple of Bombay Sapphire London dry gins and Seagram's tonic waters on the flight back from Pasadena. Which is the least she could do considering The Spewgie Curse.

You know,  you'd think United would have Beefeater.

Every single Rose Bowl game she has attended (2011, 2012, 2013, 2020), the Wisconsin Badgers have lost. And the Capital One Bowl in 2014.

The Outback Bowl, the Holiday Bowl, the Cotton Bowl, the Orange Bowl and the Pinstripe Bowl  ⁠— all victories.

Spewgie is a jinx.

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