勝美2

This week we have a The Friday Five and a Friday5 doubleheader!



The Friday Five for 8th May. Thank you!

1. What's the most cluttered spot in your home?

Fireplace mantel. Candelabra, framed prints, a football, tins with Veronica's, Ginger's and Rosemary's ashes...

I really should get cremation urns.

2. What's your method for decluttering?

All my towels, sheets and everyday underclothes and footies are white. Once a week I do a bleach load of laundry. For a laundry hamper, I use a Rubbermaid Roughtote. When the clean laundry is fresh from the dryer, put it back in the Roughtote to distribute to the proper Roughtote in the linen closet or a dresser drawer. Since everything is the same, no need to fold.

To prepare for vacation, buy new everyday underclothes, footies, athletic shoes, Salux washclothes, etc when there is a sale. Put them right in the suitcase. When it is time to properly pack, throw away the old clothes.

For athletic shoes, a prioritization. When brand spankin' new and dazzling white, for parties, vacations and croquet. Then demoted to running errands and commuting to work. Then working around the house. Then shoveling snow, mowing the lawn and painting. Then sayonara.

Purchased a pair a huaraches and espadrilles for the cruise that didn't happen in March. So. May have to update our shoe policy.

When I do go on vacation to a new place, I try to buy a cat figurine as a souvenir. That gives me a chance to learn a little of a new language to navigate around. So. Keep all the souvenirs and little things in some type of curio cabinet. Keep kitchen counters and tables free from junk.

Some people say that if you haven't used something for a year, toss it.

One day, two little neighborhood boys were walking their bicycles down the sidewalk. One had the hem of his jeans stuck in the chain. And it was stuck. It was a sidewalk bike with a coaster brake so I couldn't "reverse pedal".

勝美: Wait right here. I'll get my socket wrenches.

My ratcheting socket wrenches were too shallow. So were my impact sockets. Then I remembered my grandfather's socket wrenches. Not ratcheting socket wrenches. These were like open-ended sockets. Imagine an enclosed crescent wrench without a handle that works with an Allen wrench. About one hundred years old.

Voilà! Removed the rear wheel, freed his jeans from the chain and reassembled everything.

Those wrenches hadn't been used for more than sixty years.

3. What are your favorite cleaning products?

♫ ♪ Comet
It makes your teeth turn green ♪
♪ Comet
It tastes like gasoline ♫
♪ Comet
It makes you vomit ♪
♪ ♫ So buy some Comet and vomit today ♫

They don't write 'em like that anymore.

One of my favorite movies is The Ghost And Mr Chicken starring Don Knotts. Three women are commenting on the bloodstained keyboard in an organ loft at a mysterious mansion where a murder occurred:

Bon Ami. Plastic no-scratch Brillo pads. Bleach for the bathroom shower. I put it in a pressurized garden sprayer. Ammonia, vinegar, sometimes when I go to the lumberyard, I buy a gallon of Zep degreaser or professional cleaner. Degreaser also works great removing brake dust and road grime from car and motorcycle rims.

4. What helps get you motivated to clean up?

Childhood training. My grandmothers' houses were immaculate. They did not believe in spring cleaning. Part of their everyday uniform was the kappogi, a special old-fashioned Japanese apron for kimono.

If you stood still long enough you might be vacuumed, Bon Amied or put out to the curb for Collection Day. Which we celebrate to this very day. By taking the cart down to the street. Once a week. Like clockwork.

5. What's the most organized spot in your home?

Kitchen cabinets. Thanks to Tupperware and Pyrex food storage containers and my father's P-Touch labeller.

And I make frequent trips to the spice store. I no longer keep white pepper, pink pepper and black pepper on hand other than what is in the peppermill. Do not have every spice under the sun. 'Cause once a spice has been sitting since last Christmas...

Friday 5 for May 8: Getting it back together. Questions courtesy of Scrivener. Thank you!

1. What instrument in an orchestra would you least like to play professionally?

Sousaphone. Or double bass. I'll play the stinkin' triangle before I lug either of those things around.

2. How long would it take you to find a rubber band wherever you are now?

Myrtie's favorite toy is the heavy duty rubber bands from bunches of asparagus. She just brought me one.

3. In your area, what’s the name of a local band you like?

Cheap Trick.

4. How good was your high school band?

Girls' school. We didn't have a band. Orchestra.

Or do you mean me 'n' my friend Spewgie's garage band? I've seen videos of high school SCANDAL and we were better than they were.

Or do you mean me 'n' my friend Spewgie's act for the school's big annual No Talent Show? I was Timmy Verdugo, Spewgie was Tammy Verdugo and Effie was Tippy Verdugo. Timmy, Tammy and Tippy.

The Verdugos.

We were supposed to be one of those failed singing acts permanently playing some forsaken casino lounge in the perpetual dimness and faded glamour of an old Las Vegas hotel where the shopworn cocktail waitresses totter around on impossibly high heels wearing Playboy bunny-type outfits but shouldn’t.

I include cocktail waitresses in my prayers.

So. Not quite the Von Trapp Family Singers. With the sparkly tuxedo jacket and matching evening gowns. Tired synchronized dance movements.

Problem #1. We attended a girls school.

Do you know what danso is? That’s when the girl portrays a man. Crossdressing. I was Timmy Verdugo. Basically a dollar store knock-off Frank Sinatra.

It’s not like I have a great voice or anything. Technically I think I am a mezzo soprano. I mean it’s okay for singing lullabies or backup to Spewgie in our high school garage band but I’m not going to be belting out The Star Spangled Banner on TV before the Super Bowl or anything anytime soon. I think it’s more the way I bop my head around and get “into” the song. Which Frank Sinatra doesn’t do. Which is why I am such a junky impressionist.

Problem #2. We did not have matching sparkly tuxedo and evening gowns. So. We went to St Vincent de Paul Thrift Shop and bought a suit jacket, bowtie and two fairly sexy evening gown-looking dresses. Old prom or bridesmaids’ dresses. Pretty sad, really. I was pretty glad to release those things into the wild so some less fortunate girl wouldn’t get stuck with them.

Spewgie had the bright idea to spray the clothes with art fixative and apply sparkles.

Now here’s the weird thing about me and Spewgie. When we went to the craft store for sparkles, we both reached for blue and put them in the shopping cart. At no point had we discussed color. Even stranger was that it did not even register with us. Blue. Spooky.

That happens a lot.

Except the fixative didn’t work so we ended up using glue and foam brushes. You’d be surprised at how difficult it is to paint clothing. And there was a second and third trip to the craft store for sparkles which ended up to be the size of Necco wafers which is out of business but that is their hard luck. Boo hoo. Another story for another day. The tuxedo jacket and gowns turned out looking really awful but that was part of the charm.

For our musical selection, we chose Zing A Little Zong which is actually a Bing Crosby number. He is the fairly normal one from Bing Crosby and Bob Hope road movies.

♪ ♫ We run into villians but we haven’t any fears
Paramount will protect us cause we’re signed for five more years ♫
♪ We certainly do get around
Like Webster’s Dictionary we’re Morocco bound ♫ ♪

They don’t write ’em like that anymore.

a. Thank goodness.
b. It’s a crying shame.
c. Paramount? I thought Bing was with MGM.
d. None of the above.

Showtime. So. Backstage pinning my hair up. And climbing into our costumes. And I do mean climb. The glue left the fabric super stiff like a suit of armor or something. There was no way to tie the bowtie so we just kind of crunched it around my collar.

We may have discovered a bargain alternative to Kevlar.

Hit our marks. The curtain opened to Sister Gabriella’s circa 1975 boombox voiceover:

Ladies and gentlemen! Holy Redeemer proudly presents Timmy, Tammy and Tippy! The Verdugos!

And I’ve thoughtfully included the lyrics so you can zing along with me!

♫ ♪ Zing zing zing a little zong with me
I know we’re not beside the Zuider Zee ♪
♫ But when you’re zitting by the zide of me
I want to zing a little zong ♪ ♫

♫ ♪ Zing zome zentimental melody
About a chapel or an apple tree ♪
♫ About a couple living happily
And I’ll be glad to zing along ♪ ♫

♫ ♪ This ain’t the zeason for that has me kinda zilly
You really are a dolly a dolly and a dilly ♪
♫ You got a reason to cuddle kinda close to me
And we can do a very clever piece of close harmony ♪ ♫

♫ ♪ Zing zing zing it’s getting late my pet
We’ve got a most important date to zet ♪
♫ I’m sure that we will make a great duet
And we can zing a little love zong all night long ♫ ♪


We stunk. Should have been given the hook. That is a show biz term for being yanked off the stage with this shepherd’s crook thingy. Seriously shedding sparkles all over the place. But I got to do my Frank Sinatra impression and Spewgie and Effie had their shot at the next best thing to being a Ronette.

And we had sparkly undies.

Moral Of The Story: There is a big difference between singing My Way and New York New York on the way home from school on the bus with friends and being Frank Sinatra onstage in an auditorium.

Consider being an act more like The Carpenters. Then you don’t have to worry about St Vincent de Paul. Or Tippy Verdugo.

5. Of bands whose names are listed like Joan Jett and the Blackhearts or Neil Young and Crazy Horse, who’s got the best name?

Lenny And The Squigtones.

FUN FACT: Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! My First Apartment was about two blocks from Laverne and Shirley's. Or about a mile from Fonzie.