勝美2

Another Friday5 and The Friday Five doubleheader!

Friday5 for April 17th: Silver. Questions courtesy of Scrivener. Thank you!

1. What was the last thing you purchased second-hand?

The wind deflector for the roadster. Item #12 on the exploded view.

What is so gosh darn important about a handkerchief-sized mesh fabric? Well, if you want to put the top down and have a conversation or listen to music at speeds over twenty miles per hour WITHOUT SCREAMING YOUR LUNGS OUT OR CRANKING THE STEREO TO ELEVEN then you need a wind deflector. Some deflectors are a solid piece of plexiglass. BZZZZT! A wind deflector works on the same principle as a snow fence.

The idea is to have the snow (or in the case of the roadster, the rushing wind) to go over the road or whatever you're trying to protect. Not to have the snow pile up against a solid fence and drift into the road. And unless I'm going on the freeway, my hair doesn't become Snarl City which is why you should have several scrunchies on the shifter.

When I got my car five years ago, I couldn't find an NOS (New Old Stock) OEM (Original Equipment Manufacturer) 'flector under $400. So. Went on eBay and bought one from a guy who lived in Munich. As in Bavaria. $150 including shipping.

That is very funny. My roadster is a BMW. Bayerische Motoren Werke. Bavarian Motor Works in English.

Small world, huh? Except my roadster was proudly assembled in Spartanburg, South Carolina, US of A.

2. What’s a dish you cannot resist a second helping of?

I think you mean, "What is a dish you can resist a second helping of?"

Even though I do not look like it, I am a very big eater.

The only thing I will not do seconds on is my friend Spewgie's mother's food. Otherwise I am pretty much up for anything. I'll never forget the first time I ate supper with Spewgie's family. Without my parents. One of the dishes was scalloped potatoes. When my mother made scalloped potatoes there was an au gratin "crust". Spewgie's mother put potato chips on top. Not crunched up potato chips. Like Pringle's (which are not even potato chips in my book). Carefully laid out in a grid pattern. When I asked for seconds, her mother used a spatula to perfectly cut out a square of potatoes underneath one chip. One chip equaled one serving.

So. If my mother sent me to Spewgie's for supper or we were having a slumber party at her place, I'd eat before walking over and bring snacks (not family size — PARTY SIZE!) so I wouldn't be all ravenous.

3. How many seconds can you go right now without blinking?

My eyes have been mattering heavily since yesterday morning and really sensitive to light; I wash my face several times a day to get rid of the — without getting too technical with esoteric medical terms — gunk and crud.

Ick.

I gonna say zero.

4. Whose second album is much better than their debut album?

SCANDAL was discovered by Kitty Records. Their little-known debut album was Yah! Yah! Yah! Hello Scandal: Maido! Scandal Desu! Yah Yah Yah! released 2008 August 8. Which is a good indicator of their girlish enthusiasm. 1736 copies sold. Topping the Tower Records sales for the week.

After signing with Sony Epic Japan, BEST★SCANDAL was released 2009 October 21 and charted Nº 5 on both Oricon and Billboard Japan.

So. BEST★SCANDAL is actually their second album.

5. What’s something for which you were runner-up?

My friend Spewgie and I should have been salutatorian and valedictorian or co-valedictorians or whatever but two girls who majored in Watching Television and Playing Video Games had 4.2 GPAs.

How is that even possible?

Our teachers were pretty angry. Here Spewgie and I are slugging it out in calc and trig and chem and physics and those two are screwing around having a good old time.

Sometimes in movies from the nineteen-seventies instead of having a proper denouement there will be a series of freeze frames with captions such as, "Led the charge of the Seventh Cavalry at Little Bighorn."

And if you cracked that wise to LaChannette or Destiny, neither of them would get it. It would go right over their empty little heads.

In the spirit of nineteen-seventies movies, I'd like to do two freeze frames to report LaChannette is unhappily "married" to Lil $, her pimp, but the welfare checks keep rolling in steadily as long as she pops another kid every year and Destiny left this mortal coil after a tragic accident at The Pink Pussycat Lounge And Gentlemen's Club conveniently located east of I-94 off the Schaumburg exit but as a Christian woman, I cannot do that in good conscience.

Moral Of The Story: Don't let pervy men with cold hands tuck dolla dolla bills in your g-string while you're executing a Flying Camel spinning upside down on a stripper pole but then I don't work in the hospitality or is it entertainment industry. Especially if they have coronavirus which is another story. And one less Christmas card I have to recycle.

Godspeed, beyotches! Fare thee well!

♫ ♪ Fare thee well
Fare thee well  ♫
♪ Fare thee well my fairy fey
For I'm going to Lou'siana ♪ 
♫ T' see my Susianna
Singin' polly wolly doodle all the day ♪ ♫

And The Friday Five for April 17th.

1. Have you ever been in or caused a car accident?

I look very young for my age. When I go to the gas station convenience store, the East boys think I am a girl from West High School and the West boys think I am an East girl.

My summer car is a roadster. When stopped at a stop 'n' go light, it isn't unusual for a car full of boys to pull up in the curb lane and rev the engine. As in an unspoken, "We are going to drag race you off the line when the light changes."

Please. Not only do I have every traffic light in my neighborhood timed down to a science, the roadster is capable of 196 mph and can go zero to sixty in a little over four seconds. Your mother's Camry can what? Maybe turn a quarter mile in twenty seconds?

勝美: Austin. Is that you? All grown up with your driving license.
Austin: Urmmmm....
勝美: I haven't seen you since the last time I babysat for you. Still afraid of the dark?
Austin: Urrrrgh....
勝美: Tell your mother I will see her tomorrow at the Women's Club luncheon. Ciao ciao!

And I'm off. Defeating teenagers and spreading laughter and joy wherever I go.

2. Have you ever had a happy accident?

My friend Spewgie and I have been friends since before birth. Our mothers had the same OB / GYN.

Because Spewgie’s (she is two days older) and my birthdays are only days apart, our families celebrate Birthday Week Month. Every October.

Pink Schwinn bicycles with pink streamers, white pedals and tires. Single speed, coaster brakes. Training wheels, natch. But not for long.

Looked something like this:

Ohayo, pretty girl!

And sweet matching helmets.

Not official Sanrio Hello Kitty bicycles. Didn’t really bother us. Because we were so cool, baby. We were mobile with the long I sound. We could do anything we wanted. As long as we had our mothers’ permission and didn’t cross the busy street.

We did decorate our helmets with Hello Kitty stickers however.

That’s another nice thing about being friends with Spewgie. People think I am a happy accident. BZZZZT! My mother wanted another baby before she became forty years of age and I came along right on schedule. I am so much younger than my sisters I am the next best thing to an only child.

My mother never donated Antoinette or Nicole’s old stuff because she was planning on me. I would have been faced with an eternity of Tony’s and Nicky’s hand-me-downs. But with Spewgie, we always got twin gifts. As if we were twins.

Never did get that pony for our birthday, though. And I don’t care what my mother said. If Sparkle couldn’t keep his side of the bedroom clean that is his problem.

3. Have you ever done anything ‘accidently on purpose’ and regretted it?

My First Kiss. Hanging upside down on the monkeybars at the playground. When Michael Schmeling chased after an errant basketball, I grabbed him and gave him a great big smooch.

Regret? Well, nothing really came of it. Didn't hear wedding bells or anything. More of a sensation of Bubblicious and a vague stirring.

In light of the current Me Too movement, I am guilty of preying on a sixteen-year-old boy. But I was fourteen.

4. Do you think the kitchen or the bathroom in your house has seen more accidents?

Kitchen. I cannot make hollandaise sauce to save my soul.

5. Do you believe nothing happens by accident but rather by destiny?

Destiny studied Television Watching and Video Game Playing in high school. And people wonder why she became a stripper.