Friday5 for January 24: Free at Last. Questions courtesy of Scrivener. Thank you!

1. What’s the most recent pleasant item you received for free?

Placed my annual perfume restocking order and a whole bunch of vetiver samples were thoughtfully included.

I purged my perfume collection several years ago. Pared down to the essentials: Vétiver, Habit Rouge, Jicky, Mitsouko.

But it is nice to know Chanel Sycomore and Dior Eau Sauvage are still so beautiful. And it is always nice they remembered me.

2. What do you wish to be free of?

If Comet Shafransky comes into my yard one more time to "evacuate his bowels" as they say, I am going to sneak up behind him and slip off his collar and call the dogcatcher or Humane Society or whoever it is and report a mad dog running loose in the neighborhood. Sayonara, Comet! I am sick and tired of cleaning up his messes. Thank goodness it is winter so I can use my snow shovel to sort of catapult it into their yard. Bombs away!

3. What do you wish to be freed from?

Worldly constraints. Y'know... time, gravity... stuff like that. Just kind of fly through the drive through and get all the burritos or cheeseburgers and french fries. Whenever I want.

Maybe fly across the ocean to Hawaii. One of the YouTube mukbangers I regularly watch is in Honolulu where she enjoyed McDonald's taro pies.


The following day she ate malasada, a Portuguese pastry, which is pretty much the same as pączki (pronounced poonch-key), a filled pastry brought over by nineteenth century Polish immigrants, only available early on the day before Ash Wednesday which is the start of Lent, a time of strict fasting, prayer and penance.

Instead of getting up at three o'clock in the morning on Shrove Tuesday to head off to the bakery on the other side of town to stand in line for hours hoping they don't run out of pączki with the traditional stewed plum or wild rose petal jam fillings, in Hawaii there are lilikoi (passion fruit), haipia (cocoanut), macadamia, guava, custard and dobash (choco) malasadas. And you can eat them whenever you want. Well, as long as the bakery is open. Otherwise that is a felony. Breaking and entering. Book 'em, Danno!

Mmmm! Tropical pączki. Who'd a thunk? There is even Chinese 旅行梅 (li hing mui). Sounds similar to 梅干 (umeboshi). Salty pickled plum. Sounds delish.

And did you know it is perfectly acceptable to walk around Honolulu wearing a haku (floral head wreath)? Yeah. Everyone knows about Spam musubi and loco moco and wearing a cocoanut bra and grass skirt and dancing the hula at the big luau (touristy party / feast) but not the important stuff.

4. What’s a song you like with the word (or some form of the word) “free” in it?


5. What’s something you could do so you’d have more free time?

Speed. Disregard stop 'n' go lights and traffic laws in general. The roadster is small enough to drive on the sidewalk.

Stop brushing my teeth. No personal hygiene.

Skip the salad and slurp the bleu cheese dressing straight from the ladle.

Wear diapers. Or go outside on the neighbor's lawn like Comet. I'm not certain if that will save time though.

Quit my job. Steal things to support myself.

Live in a fancy hotel with room service and dry cleaners although what is the point of clean laundry if I've given up personal hygiene?

Order the cheeseburgers from room service really rare.

Get a cellphone. My First Cellphone. Better yet - steal a cellphone. An iPhone 11 Pro with terabytes of storage.

Color outside the lines.

No more prayers or rosaries or holy days of obligation or going to church.

Of course I would die that much sooner and my eternal soul will be damned to hell for all of eternity BUT THINK OF ALL THE TIME I SAVED!

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